Hello everybody, this is Lois Lane, Miami the Equalizer, and this is the Purple Kool-Aid Podcast. I want you to relax and take a sip.

Alright, so I did a video podcast on “Falling for the Okey-Doke.” “Falling for the Okey-Doke” is a book that I am writing and almost finished with. In that podcast, I did a segment about an hour long. I’ve decided to break this one up into maybe 20 to 30-minute segments because it seems like that works better for people.

I just want to tell you a little bit about the okey-doke. I know everyone listening probably knows what it means when I say “falling for the okey-doke.” This is kind of a guide to help you recognize the okey-doke, and I’m giving you some real-life experiences on how I have fallen for the okey-doke and how to avoid it in the future.

Now, this is for men, women, everybody. It’s for people working in jobs where employers are trying to pull the okey-doke on you. It can even offer information, experience, and advice on dealing with creditors, stores, and all types of stuff because the okey-doke is something that can happen to anyone. There are all different types of situations and circumstances.

There’s more than one part to this video, and the reason I’m saying this is because someone thought I was duplicating a title when I said “falling for the okey-doke.” But “falling for the okey-doke” is the topic of the book, and there are different chapters and different topics for different people. There are, I guess, what you would say, different segments, episodes, whatever you want to call them.

In that video, I talked about falling for the okey-doke for men. It was about men, women, and money, and how there are different types of women that men need to avoid when it comes to their money. The situation that men go through sometimes is tricky, and I also have to say that some women are going to think different things about me for saying that. But I just want to disclose a couple of things: I personally believe and have experienced in life that there are good and bad men, and there are good and bad women. Women frequently find themselves at a disadvantage because of patriarchy, but I don’t want to get too much into that now.

So, I went over that in my first episode, and you can find that on the Purple Kool-Aid Podcast, my first episode. Right, I know I’m being redundant, so now I’m gonna get into the okey-doke for women.

Today, we’re going to talk about men saying they are single when they are not. I should be an expert on this one, and I think there’s probably a lot of women out there who feel like they’ve had a lot of experience with this. A lot of people, mostly men, say they’re single when they are not. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if people would just be honest about this? I mean, it would definitely be a lot less interesting, but I think it would be great if when people commit to other people or are in a relationship with other people and they meet new people, those people ask—or even if they don’t ask and they seem to be insinuating or maybe thinking about having a relationship with that other person—that they would let that person know. That would be great, wouldn’t it?

Yeah, it would definitely be great, but people lie. People of all ages, backgrounds, colors, genders, and religions lie. Human beings lie.

So, saying he is single when he is not—this is the okey-doke for women. Now, I just wanted to say that sometimes I’m looking at this, and I’m like, boy, I was definitely a fool and in some cases an idiot. However, I never fell for the exact same okey-doke more than once. Each time that I fell for this okey-doke, the situation was presented to me differently.

The first time this happened, I was working with a guy at American Express, and it was a call center. Boy, if any of you out there are listening, you definitely know about the call center chaos or call center cheating mechanism and what’s going on in these places. A lot goes on in call centers—there is a lot of fraternizing or people sleeping with each other outside of their relationships with other people, people forming relationships, and all types of stuff. So, it can happen to anybody. If you go work in a call center, you’ll see. You might want to steer clear of relationships and involving yourself with coworkers who work with you in your call center.

The first time that I went through this, it was with a guy I was working with in a call center. He was a team leader. He was very charismatic, and I really wasn’t that interested in him. I mean, he was fairly attractive. Most of the men I had dated before were much more attractive, but he had a lot of swag, and he was a team leader instructor, and he appeared to be overly helpful to attractive women.

I didn’t catch onto the fact that he was overly helpful to the attractive women or women in general. I just kind of looked at him as being a very helpful person, and I think that everyone looked at him this way. He didn’t have a ring on his finger; he was very flirtatious. A lot of people talked about him, and guys joked about his swag and how charming he was. By the way, anyone, swag is, I think, synonymous with charm.

We talked during work, and he joined me for lunch a few times. He even bought my lunch a few times, and he was very openly flirtatious with me. It was funny because he had been working there a very long time, and everybody knows everybody in those places, or they know you fairly well, especially if you’ve been there for a long time. With him going to lunch with me in an open cafeteria in front of everyone and him being openly flirtatious with me and telling me that he was single, I definitely assumed that he was single because I felt like if he wasn’t, someone would have at least rolled their eyes or said something when he was so openly flirting with me. But there wasn’t a damn clue.

He invited me out for drinks a few times. We talked on the phone a lot. He was very charming and started offering to pay bills for me. Now, at this point, we had never slept together, but he was trying to fast-track the situation, the relationship. He was always trying to invite himself over to my house, but I never allowed him to come over to my house because I have two daughters, and I just didn’t bring a bunch of men into my home.

You know something? My gut felt a little weird. Like I said, I wasn’t overly attracted to him, but I was attracted to him. He wasn’t a man that a lot of women would like. He dressed very nicely, he was intelligent, he carried himself nicely, and he appeared to be a gentleman. One thing that I have noticed is that a lot of polite, a.k.a. gentleman-type men have a lot of deceiving qualities. For a lot of them, that charm and that gentleman persona is masking a whole bunch of bullshit.

I hate to say that because I love it when a man is a gentleman. I love it when people say, “Excuse me, please,” and open doors for me. I always thank them, and I’m always very appreciative. But a lot of times, it is hiding something. Not all the time, but some of the time, it is.

One thing that can throw you off or get you sucked into is when you have high self-esteem. I talked about this before when I was going over how men can avoid the okey-doke with women because a lot of men, especially if they’re fairly attractive, have high self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes this high self-esteem and confidence can backfire on you. People think that women who get got have low self-esteem, and that’s not always the case. Some of us have very high self-esteem, and what you do is when someone is going out of their way and reacting to you a certain way, you’re thinking, “Well, yeah, I am beautiful, and I am intelligent, and I am this and I am that,” and you kind of ignore your gut feeling.

You proceed with attributing it to your self-esteem, and you think, “Well, you know, this is who I am, and I deserve this, and this is why they’re doing this,” instead of looking into why they really might be doing this or their true intentions on why they are fast-tracking you or acting the way they do.

After seeing him a couple of times, and we had never even slept together, he kept asking me if I had ever been to Antigua. He was from Antigua, so I had not been there. He said to me, “You should get your passport.” I thought he was joking, but at the same time, I was like, “Why wouldn’t he want to take me there? I’m all that and a bag of chips,” right? So, I go and get my passport, and actually, he paid for it. I almost forgot that he paid for my passport. He said, “I’m going to pay for your trip. I’m going to take you there. We’re going to stay at a resort. It’s going to be great. Put in for the time off.” He even helped me with that.

I got my passport. We flew to Antigua. Now, he went first because the flights to Antigua from Miami were on very small planes, and at that time of the year, everything was really booked up. So, he went first, and I met him there. He paid for my cab, he paid for everything, and he wasn’t rich. He was just a team leader in a call center. He was doing nice.

I saw pictures of his place. I never went there. I never really wanted to go to his place, and here’s the reason why: he was definitely trying to get some, which, I mean, that’s human nature. Men and women both want to get some when two people are attracted to each other. But I was attracted to him, and he was sexy. I didn’t want to go to his house because I wanted to see what he was about. He had checked off a lot of boxes, and I knew that it was something that I could begin with someone that I could maybe have a relationship with. So, I wanted to make sure that he was fully vested—or somewhat, not fully vested, but somewhat vested—before I actually slept with him.

He got me the ticket. We went to Antigua. We stayed in a beautiful resort on the ocean. Now, of course, anyone who has half a brain knows that if you’re in Antigua, all resorts or any place you would stay are just about on the ocean because you are surrounded by the ocean, and it is a very small island, a very beautiful, breathtaking small island with beautiful people. It was a wonderful experience.

I went there. The first day we stayed in a resort, yes, we did have sex at that point because, well, why not? It was okay, and that’s neither here nor there. The next day, he said, “I want you to meet my mother.” He took me to his mother’s house, and then he also said he wanted me to meet his sister. I met his mother; she cooked us some food. His sister was busy. We did drive by her house and wave at one of his sisters sitting on the porch because she wasn’t available that day. That was one of his sisters. I did meet his other sister on our way to downtown. His mother was very nice. It was interesting.

She did say something to me that I didn’t pay a lot of attention to, and I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was something about needing to pay attention to what’s going on. I didn’t really catch on. I kind of dismissed it. I mean, here I was in Antigua with this guy who’s giving me all this attention. He’s pretty attractive, he’s a gentleman, he’s charming, he paid for this trip, he paid for my passport, which means that I can go anywhere that I want, and everything is wonderful. I’m on this beautiful island. The people there were amazing. It was beautiful to see children walking to school with their grandparents who were in their 80s or 90s, and they still are healthy because they don’t eat the crap that we eat in the United States. They’re always getting sun, and that’s a whole other topic.

Right now, we’re talking about the okey-doke. Let’s get back on track. I say these things to help you understand me. For me, the things that I have gone through in life, even though some were pretty chaotic, dysfunctional, and some were a little bit horrible, I actually don’t regret them because they made me who I am today. I also am able to look at the good in every situation or the value of the experiences that I have been through, but I also want to help people avoid some of the bullshit that I have been through by sharing my experiences.

Fast forward, we have our trip. I come back, and we even stayed with his mother one night at her home. I come back, and everything is fine. Him and I get into some type of argument about something weird. He thought that I was younger than I was, and then he found out—I don’t know if he looked up something or even asked me; I don’t remember—but he found out I was a little bit older. He was like, “Why didn’t you tell me you were this age?” I think I was like 40, and he thought I was 35 or 32. I don’t know, because I’ve always looked young for my age. This is neither here nor there.

We got into this stupid argument, and he was hyper-focused on that. I think this was his exit move because he took me overseas. I mean, he took me on a trip, he did get to have sex with me, so he felt like he conquered me, and that was his whole goal in the beginning, no matter what it cost him. Since he had conquered me, he was done with me. That’s what I feel like this move was. So, we got into this argument, and it was really weird. I’m like, “Okay, you know, I wasn’t heartbroken. I wasn’t in love with him. I liked him. Did we have fun? We had fun. I had a great experience.”

So, we kind of stopped talking, and I didn’t really care, and he definitely didn’t care. One of the ladies who was also a supervisor there, we were pretty cool, and she invited me over to her house. It was towards the holidays—I think this trip was like in October—so it was around December. She invited me to her house because she was having some type of Christmas party, and she invited a bunch of people from the call center. I came, and a lot of people showed up. I stayed later, and I spoke to her, and we really hit it off. She liked me a lot.

Mike came up. I’m going to call him Mike; his name was not Mike, but my goal is not to get anyone in trouble. So, we’re just going to call him Mike. After everyone left and her and I were sitting there, I don’t remember how the conversation started, but Mike came up, and I’m like, “Oh yeah, Mike didn’t come to the party.” She told me that Mike was getting ready for his wedding. I was like, “His wedding?” She goes, “Yeah, you didn’t know he was getting married?” I’m like, “No.” She goes, “Yeah, he’s been engaged for about a year.” I said, “How long has he been engaged to be married?” She goes, “Well, he’s been engaged for about a year.”

I asked, “Have you seen his wife, or do you know about his wife?” She said, “I know you guys are cool.” I’m like, “No.” She pulls up a picture and says, “Yeah, this is him and his wife.” I’m like, “When is he getting married?” I don’t remember the date. She’s like, “He’s getting married on this date.” I’m like, “Wow.”

I never knew anything about this. He never mentioned it. No one else ever mentioned it. Apparently, everyone knew except me, and I tend to be in my own little bubble. But, you know, I’m not a stupid person by any means. This man had taken me to Antigua, introduced me to his family, his mother, and his sisters, and had me in a resort in his home country, and paid for all this stuff, and did all of this on a budget because he didn’t make a lot of money, just so he could sleep with me. I have no idea how many women in this call center he had done this to, but I have a feeling that there were plenty of us. The whole time, he was engaged to be married, and I had absolutely no idea whatsoever because I wasn’t trying to dig around and find out either.

I wasn’t really trying to be in a relationship with him, although I did like him, and I did enjoy the company and the time that we spent. This is an okey-doke that I need you ladies to look out for because people are always talking about how a man is not going to do this. He’s not going to introduce you to his mother, he’s not going to spend money on you, he’s not going to pay your bills.

I also want you to keep something else in mind. This man was younger than me—not a lot, about five years younger than me. He was in optimal shape; he had a body like a god. His face was okay. He had a good job, he was a gentleman, he dressed very well. Oh, I almost forgot—he even said that we should go look at condos or houses together. Oh my God, I almost forgot this, and I just remembered it as I’m telling you the story. He fabricated a story for me. This was in between before he took me to Antigua. “Let’s go look at houses together or condos,” he said. I was like, “You know, he was moving so fast, and I was like, I don’t really know if I’m ready for all that.” He was like, “Yeah, you know, it’ll save you a lot of money. I’ll pay for the house. You can bring your daughters.” He showed me pictures of homes, and then he fabricated appointments.

After I finally said, “Okay, I’ll go,” but I really wasn’t interested in doing it, I felt like maybe I’ll help this man who’s been so nice to me. I’ll help him find a home or condo to buy. So, I was willing to go with him to look at these houses or condos because he had paid some of my bills and taken me out, and we were having a good time. This was before Antigua. So, he did that—this is how far he went.

Ladies, pay attention to everything. Ask questions. This man was good—he was good at his game. He really got me. I mean, he got me. Imagine if I would’ve fallen in love with him and thought, “This is the one.” I would’ve really been hurt, but I didn’t. I was kind of like, “Okay, this motherfucker got me,” but this one won’t happen again.

One of the key red flags to look out for was he was very charming and personable to every woman. I should have said, “Yes, I’ll come over to your house,” because I knew it was safe. Everyone knew him. Nothing was gonna happen, so I should’ve insisted that I go to his house. You need to find out if a man is living alone. You need to find a way to go to his house, where he lives.

I’m gonna share another okey-doke with you about how I got got by a man who I actually went to his house and stayed in his house, and he was married. It’s crazy—they got some super game out here. Don’t fall for this okey-doke. Do your homework. Ask questions. Go to their house. Find out or see where they live. If you feel like you’re going to be investing your time in a man, ask questions. If they do introduce you to relatives—whether they be men, women, sisters, brothers, friends, their mother, their father—ask those people if that person is in a relationship.

All I can say to you on this one is just ask a lot of questions and ask people who know them. If I would’ve asked some people in the call center if he was engaged to be married, or if he was in a relationship, or if they knew anything about his relationships—which I hate doing because it’s just not my thing. I’m not nosy, and I hate gossip. That has backfired on me a lot. I’m not saying that is something you should do, but you need to talk to people and ask questions about people that you feel like you might get involved with to see what is going on with them. You need to ask them very specific questions so you don’t wind up falling for this okey-doke.

Right now, on the next “Falling for the Okey-Doke” episode, this is still going to be based on men saying they’re single when they’re not. The next guy I’m going to tell you about was married and introduced me to all of his friends, spent holidays with me, and I spent days and nights in his home and went places with him and his daughter.

So, this is a real good one, and I hope that I am helping some ladies avoid this okey-doke of men saying they’re single when they’re not. People seem to be under the impression that women are out here just targeting these men who are married or engaged or with girlfriends, and we’re just looking to be homewreckers. These men tell them things, and they believe whatever the men tell them. Men like to pretend like the women who are involved with them or who they left behind knew all this bullshit. Their wives and girlfriends like to delude themselves that these women are half-brained or are doing the stuff intentionally, or they don’t get introduced to family, or they don’t get treated a certain kind of way.

This is an okey-doke that I hope my story helps you not fall for. The next episode is going to be about falling for the okey-doke—men saying they’re single when they’re not—and the guy who was married and had me sleeping in him and his wife’s house without her knowing it and without me knowing it. These men are savvy, y’all.

I hope you enjoy this episode of the Purple Kool-Aid Podcast. This is Lois Lane, Miami the Equalizer, and enjoy the rest of your week.